Hooray to small victories!!

I've been feeling a little bit down lately due to the news that Congress may shut down the AmeriCorps program. Today, I woke up with a totally new perspective. Me stressing won't change the fact that I may be laid off in a couple of days. The only thing I can do is prepare myself and have a plan. I've been doing that by sending out resumes and applying to jobs with vacant positions. Anything beyond that is beyond my control.

Anyway...In January I made a few New Year's Resolutions and I never really started on those until recently. On Monday I bought a scale, stepped on a was completely shocked with the number I saw. Seeing that number put some pep in my step and I'm glad to say that I have lost 1.3 pounds since Monday. Hooray to the small victories!!

If I can lose 1.3 pounds in 2 days I know can lose more. I plan to lose 30 pounds by my 25th birthday and this will be a promise I will keep

Fallen-Day 2

Day 2 and I'm feeling a little better. Still a bit worried about the decision of AmeriCorps but I'll leave it in God's hands. I have yet to speak with my "friend" since he told me he was busy. Part of me wants to tell him how i'm feeling. Let him know that it bothers me that he has never been there for me during my vulnerable moments. I won't call him though...I've expressed myself to him so many times but all I get are empty promises. "I'll do better", "Jess, I love you...I wont hurt you" I know how that story ends so I'll spare myself the results.

Falling

Every now and then I will have a random bout of loneliness and right now I'm having an episode. For the last few weeks I've been on a natural high. The weather was unseasonably warm and it seemed like the sun shined directly down on me. No stress, I was content with being with myself, enjoying my life while sitting on top of the world. Needless to say, I enjoyed this feeling.

But...As they say all good things must come to an end, and today was the bitter end of my "happy days." I'm currently in my 2nd year as an AmeriCorps VISTA volunteer and I just received the news that Congress was voting on cutting AmeriCorps and PBS out of the federal budget. Really?? Out of all things that could be cut from the budget our "representatives" came up with PBS and AmeriCorps. How about this useless war that is going on 10 years with no results but increased debt? That would be my suggestion if I was a Representive or a Senator. Anyway, if passedthis legislation could affect me along with 85,000 other AmeriCorps volunteers.

The news smashed my ball of happiness that surrounded me. I'm now free falling into a world of uncertainty, anger and now loneliness. To secure myself I tried to finish up some graduate school applications and then started my job search. Honestly, something tells me that I'm going to be ok but I have to be safe.

Now all I want is some affecion and reassurance that everything is going to be alright. I called my friend whom I have been involved with off and on for years to see if we could chill out but he was busy... I knew he would be. Now, I seat here all alone trying not to stress myself out. I think what bothers me more than anything is the fact that my "friend" will never really be there for me when I need him. He will never committ nor love me the way I love him. This loneliness i feel is nothing new. I know I can weather the storm, I've done i several times over the years. The thing is he is never really there when I'm feeling lonely or down...and it breaks my heart.