Falling

Every now and then I will have a random bout of loneliness and right now I'm having an episode. For the last few weeks I've been on a natural high. The weather was unseasonably warm and it seemed like the sun shined directly down on me. No stress, I was content with being with myself, enjoying my life while sitting on top of the world. Needless to say, I enjoyed this feeling.

But...As they say all good things must come to an end, and today was the bitter end of my "happy days." I'm currently in my 2nd year as an AmeriCorps VISTA volunteer and I just received the news that Congress was voting on cutting AmeriCorps and PBS out of the federal budget. Really?? Out of all things that could be cut from the budget our "representatives" came up with PBS and AmeriCorps. How about this useless war that is going on 10 years with no results but increased debt? That would be my suggestion if I was a Representive or a Senator. Anyway, if passedthis legislation could affect me along with 85,000 other AmeriCorps volunteers.

The news smashed my ball of happiness that surrounded me. I'm now free falling into a world of uncertainty, anger and now loneliness. To secure myself I tried to finish up some graduate school applications and then started my job search. Honestly, something tells me that I'm going to be ok but I have to be safe.

Now all I want is some affecion and reassurance that everything is going to be alright. I called my friend whom I have been involved with off and on for years to see if we could chill out but he was busy... I knew he would be. Now, I seat here all alone trying not to stress myself out. I think what bothers me more than anything is the fact that my "friend" will never really be there for me when I need him. He will never committ nor love me the way I love him. This loneliness i feel is nothing new. I know I can weather the storm, I've done i several times over the years. The thing is he is never really there when I'm feeling lonely or down...and it breaks my heart.