How can someone you care so much about not care for you in the least? I didn't want 2011 to be like 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007, or 2006. If I knew what I did now in 2006 I wonder how different my life would be. I swear I don't want to be a bitter black woman but this man hurts me so bad. I want this time to be the last time. I hope and pray that it is. Crying while he's laughing...I can't keep feeling like this and stay sane.

Updates

it's been two weeks and i have lost a total of 3.6lbs. this makes me happy. i'm ready to be slim and sexy.

Hooray to small victories!!

I've been feeling a little bit down lately due to the news that Congress may shut down the AmeriCorps program. Today, I woke up with a totally new perspective. Me stressing won't change the fact that I may be laid off in a couple of days. The only thing I can do is prepare myself and have a plan. I've been doing that by sending out resumes and applying to jobs with vacant positions. Anything beyond that is beyond my control.

Anyway...In January I made a few New Year's Resolutions and I never really started on those until recently. On Monday I bought a scale, stepped on a was completely shocked with the number I saw. Seeing that number put some pep in my step and I'm glad to say that I have lost 1.3 pounds since Monday. Hooray to the small victories!!

If I can lose 1.3 pounds in 2 days I know can lose more. I plan to lose 30 pounds by my 25th birthday and this will be a promise I will keep

Fallen-Day 2

Day 2 and I'm feeling a little better. Still a bit worried about the decision of AmeriCorps but I'll leave it in God's hands. I have yet to speak with my "friend" since he told me he was busy. Part of me wants to tell him how i'm feeling. Let him know that it bothers me that he has never been there for me during my vulnerable moments. I won't call him though...I've expressed myself to him so many times but all I get are empty promises. "I'll do better", "Jess, I love you...I wont hurt you" I know how that story ends so I'll spare myself the results.

Falling

Every now and then I will have a random bout of loneliness and right now I'm having an episode. For the last few weeks I've been on a natural high. The weather was unseasonably warm and it seemed like the sun shined directly down on me. No stress, I was content with being with myself, enjoying my life while sitting on top of the world. Needless to say, I enjoyed this feeling.

But...As they say all good things must come to an end, and today was the bitter end of my "happy days." I'm currently in my 2nd year as an AmeriCorps VISTA volunteer and I just received the news that Congress was voting on cutting AmeriCorps and PBS out of the federal budget. Really?? Out of all things that could be cut from the budget our "representatives" came up with PBS and AmeriCorps. How about this useless war that is going on 10 years with no results but increased debt? That would be my suggestion if I was a Representive or a Senator. Anyway, if passedthis legislation could affect me along with 85,000 other AmeriCorps volunteers.

The news smashed my ball of happiness that surrounded me. I'm now free falling into a world of uncertainty, anger and now loneliness. To secure myself I tried to finish up some graduate school applications and then started my job search. Honestly, something tells me that I'm going to be ok but I have to be safe.

Now all I want is some affecion and reassurance that everything is going to be alright. I called my friend whom I have been involved with off and on for years to see if we could chill out but he was busy... I knew he would be. Now, I seat here all alone trying not to stress myself out. I think what bothers me more than anything is the fact that my "friend" will never really be there for me when I need him. He will never committ nor love me the way I love him. This loneliness i feel is nothing new. I know I can weather the storm, I've done i several times over the years. The thing is he is never really there when I'm feeling lonely or down...and it breaks my heart.

Finally!

After weeks of procrastination I finally went to the gym and worked out. It felt really good to do some exercise and I'm looking forward to my next work out (which will be tomorrow). I'm incorporating this into my regular routine.

Peace,
Brooks

Wall of Peace

I work with a non-profit called the American Friends Service Committee. We are an international organization with offices across the U.S. and offices in Gaza, Israel, Haiti, and other countries. I sometimes gripe about the bureaucracy within AFSC but the truth of the matter is that we do a lot of good work.

In my office we focus on peace, humanitarian assistance and immigration reform. We have rallies and exhibits to raise awareness about the human and economic cost of war, have committees to address immigrant rights and we raise money to purchase and pack supplies for our friends local, nationwide and internationally who are in need of help. Last year we organized a large volunteer day to pack relief kits for Haiti Earthquake survivors. Over 200 people came out to help. It was truly a great feeling to see people come out and show love and support for people.

This week I've read some articles about senseless killings and assasination plots. I don't get why there is so much violence. We made a video at work last month at a volunteer day entitled "I Support Peace Because" I wanted to share this video with you all because Peace and non-violence is the best way to solve any conflict.

Peace,

Colorism in the Black Community

Where do people get there ideas of beauty? Without a doubt I will say the media. Everyday people are bombarded with images about what is beautiful. This has proven to be detrimental as little girls and some suffer with sicknesses like bulimia to stay thin. Most Americans think a thin woman, high cheekbones and have long hair is a nice looking woman. What about us women who aren't thin, and have short hair? Are we not beautiful? Many people ask these questions and go to an extreme by having cosmetic surgery to change our features to be considered beautiful.

In black community many young women struggle ideas of beauty/ Many of us struggle with their weight, our hair is a huge problem (another topic in itself) and there is still some tension darkskinned women and light skinned women. Every since slavery there has been a divide of light skinned sistas and the dark skinned sistas. It is perpetuated on music videos, and movies that light skinned women are more attractive than dark skinned black women. This tension was the central theme in Spike Lee's school days that came out in the 80's. Why are we still so divided about this. We are all beautiful BLACK sistas. Even in 2011 one of Raps biggest superstars perpetuate the ignorance of this idea. Please WAKE UP!

Check out this interesting article on Lil Wayne and his perception of beauty in black women.
http://www.whataboutourdaughters.com/waod/2011/1/10/water-is-wet-and-lil-wayne-doest-like-black-women-a-communit.html

Don't Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch

I'm sure most people have heard this saying atleast one time in their life. I've heard it a few times but I always seem to ignore the simple advice. If you know me then you know I have a few issues with money management. I'm getting better at it but it's still an issue.

I'm supposed to have three checks coming my way, and in my mind and in all actuality I have this money spent. Well, I have nothing, nada, zip coming here until next Friday. I went on a spending spree before I had my money and now I have nothing until next Friday.

If you are reading this post please don't be like me. Save your money until you are 110% sure that you will get it. Maybe next time I will remember not to count my chickens before they hatch.

Peace

BS'ing at the J.O.B.

Today is one of those days were I don't feel like doing too much. I'm at work but my ADD is kicking in and I can't concentrate. So i am bs'ing at the job, hence why i'm on blogger right now. While I'm here I can update you on my goals for the new year.

I haven't begun my work out, but I have began to drink more water. Also, I will be going grocery shopping today. My parents are coworkers are supportive of my cooking goal and are sending me east and healthy recipes to cook at home. I will cook my first meal today!! Wish me luck.

Peace

Thankful

Just when I get in  rut and begin to feel sorry for myself over minor things i realize that their is someone who is worse off than me.  I am blessed beyond belief and am thankful for all the wonderful people who generously shed their awesomeness and light into my life.

God has truly blessed me. I am a witness to the fact that God loves you...ALL of you. I am thankful that I had an opportunity to share God's love on this blog.

Peace

New Year, New Me 2011

Happy New Year!
I hope you all have a prosperous and blessed year. Like many people I decided to make new years resolutions. I will put them on the web to have more pressure in keeping up with these goals.

1. Budget my money better
2. Cook at home more often (This will help me save money, plus I got pots and pans for Christmas)
3. Take a dance class ( I think dancing helps build confidence and it's fun)
4. Get my graduate school applications in
5. Find a church and become active in it (I find it important to find a place of worship to grow more in your faith)
6. Get more involved in my community
7. LOSE WEIGHT!! I think I am now 70lbs overweight and I really want to lose it. I want to be healthy and sexy.

My blog will focus on the goals, so i think this will be interesting.